Recently, some friends and myself were sitting around relaxing in deep conversation with empty bottles of wine all around. During this conversation of of the younger members of the group mentioned in passing his four exs. My mind started racing like damn how has he had more Exs than me and I am a good 5 years older than him.
So over the past week I have been wondering... what makes someone an Ex? How long do you date someone before bestowing that title on the person?
I have always thought in today's environment... especially within the gay community... we go from meeting someone... to instant relationship very quickly. And when this fizzles after a few weeks or months... we harbour unnecessary emotions and feelings against someone we never really got to know.
Personally I would only consider myself having two Exs. Each of these people I dated for several years, but I am a different breed. In my own head and dating life I have crafted my own little timeline of progression.
There is a time of getting to know the person, just casual hanging out discovering the likes and dislikes and who they are. And figuring out if this is a person I want to date, be friends with, or avoid at all costs.
Then I progress into dating. This is when the masks begin to come off. During this time I learn the intricacies of their habits, learn more about the friends they surround themselves with, and where they are going in life. Here I learn if this is someone I could be in a relationship with.
Once I am in a relationship... I have been fully committed not only to the person but to the friendship of our relationship. This is when I am finally willing to work on the relationship and the hurdles that come before it.
But anyway back to the conversation.... so one person was talking about their ex and how the mere sight of him irks the hell out of him. When I inquired how long they dated and I was told a couple of months... it baffled me that one... he was considering this person his ex and two... someone could emote that feeling after such a short period of time.
I think words are powerful... and titles can be even more so... so how does one define what makes an Ex.
11 comments:
i totally agree people seem to call everyone they dated their EX
what makes an EX indeed?
Sure you and I are probably old school when it comes to naming names, but for a lot of people an Ex can be anyone you want to call an Ex. It can be anyone that you thought that a relationship had been established and that you had thought there were possibilities of a future.
As for the length of time, there is no real issue. Some people get married for 2 weeks and decide it was a mistake and divorce. Did their marriage not exist because of the length of time? I don't think so. Same with an Ex.
An ex is not a hookup, bootycall, f#$! buddy or a guy you are dating/dated/seing for a few months. Dating is casual- open.
To call someone your Ex, 1) you both have to agree/ state that you both are in a "relationship": 2) at least 1 year of togetherness (sorry time does count in gay life) 3) exclusivity/ monogamy should be a priority.
If afer all this it doesn't work out, then you can start saying "he's my EX."
IMHO :)
I separate the boys I've dated into two categories. You're either an ex-date or an ex-husband. Dates are people that I've gone out with for a while, but there was no future planning, nothing serious. Husbands are the men that I've given a part of my life to...we were planning a future, we considered each others schedules, we spent a considerable amount of time together, almost like a married couple. It works for me...I've only had two husbands...
Joey
An ex is someone you have been in a committed relationship with for at least 6 mos to a years worth of time.
I read this blog the other day I wasn't going to comment until someone called themselves running down a list of my ex's. OMG! The funny thing is that they were all wrong with the exception of one. I had to really get this person together and inform them that just because you saw me out on a few dates doesn't make that person my ex.
There were some people that I spent more time with than others, but I was clear that it was not a relationship.
In my eyes you are not considered my ex if we did not come to an understanding and agreement that we were making the investment of time and commitment. Not one without the other.....Hmmmmph!
I once dated someone for a year. When we broke up, I called him my ex. I later found out he was playing my ass the entire time. That said, to call someone your ex, the time spand is debatable in terms of relevancy. To me it's more about the depth of the relationship because people here are quick to say they're married when behind closed doors something totally different is going on...
Btw, the mere sight of what's his name urks the hell out of me too. lol
To me, an "ex" is someone you were seriously committed to AND they were seriously committed to you, i.e., you were building a life together. An ex-f**k buddy DOES NOT COUNT.
Evidence of building a life together includes but is not limited to: 1) the two of you looked each other in the eye at some point and said 'I love you' to each other; 2) the two of you made a verbal 'commitment' to each other; 3) the two of you lived together as a couple; 4) your friends and his friends considered the two of you a couple BECAUSE YOU BOTH TOLD YOUR FRIENDS that you were a couple; 5) family members considered the two of you a couple BECAUSE YOU BOTH TOLD YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS that you were a couple, etc.
I realize that # 5 can be tricky BUT love can give you the courage to do things you would not ordinarily do. The one time I was in love I was fearless - I did not care who knew I was gay or that I had a same-sex partner.
Anything else and the two of you were just playing around. Just my 2cents.
I so agree with Joey Bahamas!!
I've only had 1 relationship where I committed all of myself to him. So I only have 1 ex-partner/husband.
Now I have had 3 boyfriends, so I call them ex-boyfriend.
And I have had plenty of dudes that I dated, so those are ex-dates.
Now after saying all of that, when I say "my ex" in coversation, I am only talking about my ex-partner/husband. The rest are referred to as "someone I used to talk to".
I think the number of "ex’s" someone has and the amount of time it takes for them to get those ex’s determines a lot about their character. Often time during the dating phase, I have found that people refer to those they dated as an ex. Which in my opinion shows another flaw. Myself being out for 7 years and having only one ex, I am always spectacle of those with more ex boyfriends than years of dating.
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