Recognizing my Chronic Disorder

When I was back in DC a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go see my therapist to discuss some issues that had just began with a close friend. Near the end of our session she said something that has had me thinking since I returned, but it became very evident this weekend. A lot of times we fail to recognize chronic disorders in our own lives.

For several years now, me and a close friend have had a very cyclical friendship. One that was often more one sided than others, which is quite odd for two people that are supposed to be so close. The job I had that actually required me to relocate back to Atlanta and that whole catastrophe that came of it, sent me into a depression that I often hid from others… but when the new job came through, he was the second person I called (after my best friend Rey back in DC)… and I got “O great… busy at work will call you later to get details”. Hmmm ok… still haven’t gotten that call several weeks later.

Another call… “oh we are going out this Saturday to go welcome Damian to Atlanta and celebrate the new job.”… “Oh I can’t I have an out of town guest.” Ok like that bitch don’t have to eat too.

Anyway that list can go on but you get the point.

So in the session Dr. Taylor said to me if this person continuous to let you down… why do you continue to have expectations of them. (see number 4) She then said we often are the last to see the chronic disorders in our lives and always the last to make that change…

Anyway I say all this to say this weekend Kool and myself went to this house party (damn that boy’s house was hot) and my friend happened to be there with his crew, who had befriended me when I moved down. So as I spoke to everyone, less him but not in a really noticeable way (childish I know but I wasn’t thinking that at the time). Later his boyfriend comes up to me and ask me why am I being mean to my friends… my reply to him was… “the status of our friendship is his decision not mine.” Now I leave the party looking like the asshole. So in case he ever reads this… I apologize for my naivety.

I told him when I got back from DC, that I no longer had any expectations of him and that we were still cool. His reply to me was how can he fix this… I said that is up to you. And still no response… no action.

Weekend lesson: Recognize your chronic disorders… let it go… and always be the better person.